What to Say When Someone Tells You They’re Having Suicidal Thoughts

When someone opens up for the first time about having suicidal thoughts, the moment can feel overwhelming for the person on the receiving end, who may worry about saying the wrong thing. Nikole Benders-Hadi, M.D., a psychiatrist and chief medical officer at Talkspace, says the goal isn't finding perfect words. It’s staying calm, direct and present enough to help the person feel safe continuing the conversation. She walks through what that looks like in practice, from acknowledging someone's courage in speaking up to knowing when a situation calls for professional intervention.

Benders-Hadi also addresses common misconceptions, including the well-meaning responses that can unintentionally add guilt or shift focus away from the person in crisis. She discusses what sustainable, ongoing support looks like for loved ones, how to avoid burnout while caring for someone else, and why she believes talking openly about suicide, rather than avoiding the topic, is one of the most important steps toward prevention.

When someone opens up for the first time about having suicidal thoughts, what should the person on the receiving end say, and what should they avoid?

Nikole Benders-Hadi, M.D.: When someone tells you for the first time that they’re having suicidal thoughts, the most important response is calm, direct, nonjudgmental and present. You don’t need to have the perfect words, you need to help the person feel safe enough to keep talking. Start by acknowledging the courage it took to tell you, then ask directly about safety. Here are some helpful steps to follow:

Let them know you care: First, explain you’re concerned and want to help. You can point out a few signs you’ve noticed, such as withdrawal or that they’ve not been “seeming themself.”

Be supportive without making assumptions. Most likely, you can’t truly say, “I know how you feel,” so don’t. Simply point out that while you might not have experienced suicidal thoughts, you are willing to listen and help as much as you can.

Commit to more conversation. Make arrangements to check in routinely, especially until the person gets into professional treatment. Don’t overwhelm them with demands, but understand you’ll need to reach out regularly until things get better.

Avoid anything that communicates judgment, minimizes the pain or makes the person responsible for your emotions. Also avoid interrogating, arguing, lecturing or immediately trying to solve the problem. The first goal is always connection and safety

How can someone tell the difference between a situation where they can support a loved one through themselves versus one that needs immediate professional intervention?

NBH: While helping a person who’s having suicidal thoughts, be careful about getting in over your head. You are not a therapist. If you notice signs such as them talking about wanting to die and feeling hopeless, talking about being a burden to others, increased use of substances or giving away possessions, then it's time for a conversation about seeking professional help.

What are some of the biggest misconceptions people have about how to respond, things they think are helpful but might actually do more harm?

NBH: We have to be willing to talk about suicide in order to prevent it. Asking directly about suicide does not put the idea in someone's head. It can make it easier for them to be honest about their level of risk. When responding to someone who is thinking about suicide, many people may think to say something like “I would be so hurt if you were gone.” While it may be true, it actually takes the focus away from the person struggling and adds guilt on top of what they are already feeling. What's most important is making that person feel heard, understood and cared for.

Beyond the initial conversation, what does meaningful ongoing support look like for someone who's struggling, and how do you avoid burning out as their support system?

NBH: You can be part of their Suicide Safety Plan, a personalized toolkit for helping navigate suicidal feelings and urges before crisis arises. Meaningful ongoing support also means staying connected, checking in regularly and asking directly about how the person is doing, while also encouraging professional care and a broader support network. Small acts of connection, like a text, phone call, walk or shared activity, can help someone feel less alone without making every interaction about suicide.

At the same time, it’s important to set healthy boundaries and recognize that you cannot be someone’s only source of support or be available 24/7. You can care deeply and walk alongside someone without carrying the entire burden yourself. Prioritize building a support network of friends, family members and resources. Talking to a trusted friend or therapist about what you’re experiencing can also help keep you in a healthy place to be able to support your loved ones.

What would you want people to know this Suicide Prevention Month about starting these conversations before a crisis point, rather than waiting until someone is already in crisis?

NBH: I want to reiterate how important it is not to shy away from these conversations. The more we talk about suicide prevention, the less stigmatized it becomes. Talking to loved ones as soon as you start to notice signs that they may be thinking about suicide is crucial and can in fact save lives.